The birds and the bees and the seals and the penguins and the chimps and the frogs.

I was going to write a blog entry about my very first trip to a strip club, and I still will, but first it’s very important that I tell you that Jezebel’s Mark Shrayber posted a video of a seal raping a penguin.

What follows is, to the best of my recollection, the subsequent conversation I had with Dustin.

Me: So there’s this video of a seal raping a penguin.
Dustin: What?
Me: There are these seals going around having sex with penguins against their will.
Dustin: Won’t someone think of the penguins?
Me: <reading the comments> Actually, someone literally just posted that clip.
Dustin: Oh my god, I’m that guy. I’m the won’t-someone-think-of-the-penguins guy.
Me: The thing is, the seals let three of the penguins go. But one killed and ate the fourth one.
Dustin: So that’s…
Me: Interspecies murder rape, yes.
Dustin: Animals are awful.
Me: They are.
Dustin: And that’s not even the worst I’ve seen.
Me: What?
Dustin: I saw a chimpanzee get a blow job from a frog.
Me: WHAT??
Dustin: Yep.
Me: So it just… shoved its stuff in a frog’s open mouth?
Dustin: Pretty much.
Me: Was the frog alive?
Dustin: …for a while.
Me: Oh my god.
Dustin: Here, hang on, I’ll send you the video.
Me: There’s VIDEO??

<Then we watched the video. The chimpanzee pries open a frog’s mouth and fucks it. There are children watching. They’re giggling and shrieking in baffled, innocent delight while their parents, no doubt, enter a state of slack-jawed Cervidaean shock.>

Me: These kids don’t even know what they’re seeing.
Dustin: They’re seeing a chimpanzee have sex with the body of a frog.
Me: Oh my god.

<sound of a child asking, “What is it doing?”>

Dustin: A frog fucked to death by a chimpanzee.
Me: Oh my god.
Dustin: Nature is cruel.

The rest of the conversation is just me saying “oh my god” through peals of horrified laughter.

This is my favorite quote from the original article:

It is known that seals are able to learn from each other, so it is possible that it is spreading through observation.

Seal deviancy doesn’t just happen in a vacuum, people. This is learned behavior. This is a byproduct of the corrupt seal patriarchy. Sealtriarchy. WE ARE FAILING OUR SEALS. IT IS KNOWN.

Not all seals? YES ALL PENGUINS.

They should have sent a poet. You got me instead. Sorry.


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